A tragic accident has cost the life of a teen in my hometown. These things often bring out the best in some people, who try to offer condolences to those who are hurting the most. Many times, we don’t know what to say to bring comfort, but we feel we want to say something to help.
As a pastor, can I offer you a few suggestions about what not to say?
1) “God must have needed him/her more than we did.” That’s crazy. God doesn’t need anything. Plus, it makes Him sound like a monster, taking things away from us for His own good pleasure. I once did a funeral for a lady on the Miramichi River in New Brunswick, and you couldn’t imagine a more needed person. I still don’t understand why she died, but I refuse to blame God’s neediness for it.
2) “Everything happens for a reason.” This makes God sound as if He’s going around killing people willy nilly, but since He’s so mysterious, He’s never going to tell you why. Although these words mean well, they are not comforting, at least to me. They don’t draw me close to God’s heart. They make me want to shake my fist at Him. The reason tragedies happen is that we live in a broken world, where bad things happen to good people, but let’s not put the blame on our loving Heavenly Father.
And this is a big one: 3) “The Lord gives and takes away.” These words are in the Bible, spoken by the Old Testament character Job, so people assume they must be right. They are not. The book of Job tells us that it was not God who took things from Job – it was the enemy of our souls. A casual reading of the book tells us Job was wrong.
As well, Paul disagreed in Romans 11:29 – God gives and does not take away. Jesus disagreed in John 10:10. Jesus, who was one with the Father, says that He gives, but the enemy is the one who takes away. Jesus, who is the perfect likeness of God (Hebrews 1:3), never said those words of Job, and I think we should take our cues from our Lord.
I can’t explain death, and why it happens when it does, to whom it does. So, I have found the best thing to do with people who mourn is not try to explain it. Listen to them. Look them in the eyes. Mourn with them. Touch them on the shoulder. Give them hugs. Show them you care. That’s really what hurting people want.
As a pastor, can I offer you a few suggestions about what not to say?
1) “God must have needed him/her more than we did.” That’s crazy. God doesn’t need anything. Plus, it makes Him sound like a monster, taking things away from us for His own good pleasure. I once did a funeral for a lady on the Miramichi River in New Brunswick, and you couldn’t imagine a more needed person. I still don’t understand why she died, but I refuse to blame God’s neediness for it.
2) “Everything happens for a reason.” This makes God sound as if He’s going around killing people willy nilly, but since He’s so mysterious, He’s never going to tell you why. Although these words mean well, they are not comforting, at least to me. They don’t draw me close to God’s heart. They make me want to shake my fist at Him. The reason tragedies happen is that we live in a broken world, where bad things happen to good people, but let’s not put the blame on our loving Heavenly Father.
And this is a big one: 3) “The Lord gives and takes away.” These words are in the Bible, spoken by the Old Testament character Job, so people assume they must be right. They are not. The book of Job tells us that it was not God who took things from Job – it was the enemy of our souls. A casual reading of the book tells us Job was wrong.
As well, Paul disagreed in Romans 11:29 – God gives and does not take away. Jesus disagreed in John 10:10. Jesus, who was one with the Father, says that He gives, but the enemy is the one who takes away. Jesus, who is the perfect likeness of God (Hebrews 1:3), never said those words of Job, and I think we should take our cues from our Lord.
I can’t explain death, and why it happens when it does, to whom it does. So, I have found the best thing to do with people who mourn is not try to explain it. Listen to them. Look them in the eyes. Mourn with them. Touch them on the shoulder. Give them hugs. Show them you care. That’s really what hurting people want.